How I started writing to process my loss and grief

One evening in January 2014, I suddenly felt the urge to write, completely out of the blue! I had never been much of a writer or reader. To be honest, I hated reading. Understandably, I didn't realize what on earth was happening to me. Why on earth would I want to do something that I thought I wasn't good at? It was like my subconscious had a moment and decided it wanted to write and in the same second my body made the movements to reach for pen and paper. I had no control.

I don't remember anything about that day, how I was feeling or what I was thinking, but that moment will stick with me forever. It was such a surreal feeling and I could only really process what was happening after I had finished writing. This urge to write stuck with me for roughly a year and a half. It's not something I did every day. Some months I might have written on multiple occasions, sometimes I even had a writing spree on just one evening and other times I didn't write for weeks. Also, I didn't only write about my feelings with grief. I remember one occasion when I was sitting in the back of a car next to my friend, after we had gone to the cinema, writing about languages. A big thank you to smartphones and notes apps! I didn't force it, I allowed the urge to come forward when and wherever it wanted to. In the following years I did keep on writing, but I didn't feel the same need to do so and eventually it died out. I have evolved and today, I find myself writing about writing and my feelings on this blog. Again, I don't really know why, but I am going will the flow of where my mind is taking me.

"A word after a word after a word is power" - Margaret Atwood

I found the quote "a word after a word after a word is power" by Margaret Atwood as I was looking for some extra inspiration for this blogpost. To me, it means how powerful it can be if you just try and put what you are thinking onto paper. Often you don't know what you are feeling, but by adding one word to another, you might actually find that you can solve the mess in your head or even kick-start some inspiration during a writers block.

When dealing with loss and grief, it is really important to listen to what you are feeling and what you need. Nobody can tell you what that is, but you. Yes, you've heard this before and it can be hard to envision. Writing may be really counter productive for some people. You might try to write and become frustrated because it's not working - maybe it's just not your way to process. Listen to yourself.

So, this is what I needed to put to paper on that day in January 2014:

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Your smiles in darkness

It dug a hole

It filled it with your smiles

It left them in darkness

Where they couldn't be found

It took your strength

You tried to fight

But it was just too strong

Your heart never gave up

So now you're an angel

Taking care of us

Your love lights up the stars at night

So we don't have to fight

To keep all the dark of life away

Event though it won the fight

It can't take you away from us.

I miss you <3

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I did actually end up sharing this piece with a few members in my family. I remember my grandmother placing a print of it next to the little memorial she created for my mother in her home. Don't feel like you need to share any of your writing with anyone though! It is a very personal thing. Do whatever feels right to you. I am very open to talk about all things loss and grief, but I have only shown a selected group of people what I have written. So far... I have a feeling this is changing now HAHA! A blog is an online platform after all.

My writing did function as I kind of diary, but as you can see, it came out in more of a "poem" form. I found this worked for me, because I didn't have to worry about writing sentences that sounded good. I could just let all the snippets of my thoughts out in little pieces.

Find what is right for you.

XOXO