Christmas and New Years Eve can be hard

I love Christmas. There's just something so joyful about it when the Christmas spirit takes over. Every year, I look forward to traveling to the UK and spending Christmas with the rest of my family so much. It means the world to me and I find the thought of not being able to do that this year rather depressing. I've always avoided spending Christmas in Switzerland, just with my father and brother. One year I even went to the UK when they stayed here.

On my mothers side of the family we have this big family party sometime after Boxing Day and before New Years. We always stay in one house for a few days, all 14 of us! And then my grandparents and great uncle join us on the day of the party. It's so packed and I love it! It's true quality time. I am really lucky when it comes to my family. We are all very close and get along well.

Whilst I live for this time with my family, I always find myself also having a difficult time during the Christmas period. Being surrounded by family also releases a feeling of emptiness and sadness. I often feel the the void of my mother not being there very strongly. Something is just always missing and nobody can fill it. At the same time I reflect the past year and if that has been a difficult one, it all comes up then too.

The house we usually stay at belongs to one of my mothers two brothers and his family. After my mother died, they organized a mini Christmas tree which they planted in a pot in the garden. It's a ritual for us to go out and decorate the tree together. When we are done, we stand there, looking at the tree, usually crying and just being there for each other. It's always a really emotional, but special moment. Sometimes, when I really miss my mother, I sneak out of the house later on when nobody is looking and go and stand by the tree in the dark. I watch the twinkling lights and let out what needs to be let out. I feel really close to her there somehow.

New Years. I don't know why and I never have any specific thoughts when it's happening, but since my mother died, I cry every single time when the countdown hits 12, whilst everybody else is cheering for the new year. It's like the countdown builds up the emotion inside me and then suddenly lets it all go. I wish I could control it and just cheer on with the rest of my family, but I can't. I hate being the one who can't just be part of the fun and cheer. I am the one who people see and come and give a hug to just after we toast with champagne. I am not sure if the effect is brought on by me being surrounded by family or if I would feel the same way if I was back home with friends. I have a feeling I would at least feel a bit sad and empty. As we are stuck in Switzerland for Christmas and New Years this year, I'll be able to test the thought!

I don't know if the reason that I feel that way at New Years is the loss of my mother as my mind is usually completely blank. I do always feel rather alone though when I think about it. What I do know, is that the countdown to New Years Day didn't affect me that way before she died. I guess there are just some things we will never get over, no matter how many years go by. Loss and grief is a journey that never really ends. In a way it's beautiful really, because as Ed Sheeran says: "A life with love is a life that's been lived". And the love we have for people we loved and lost, never leaves. It lives on inside us.

A lot of pressure comes with the Christmas period. We expect it to be full of cheer and fun and cozy moments. What is really important to remember though, is that it is ok to not feel merry and bright all the time. It's ok to feel a bit emotional. It's all part of Christmas, the cheer and the sad. It's also just as ok to feel great! Maybe you feel like you shouldn't be having a good time, that you should be sad. You don't, it's ok to be ok!

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and lots of love for anyone who needs it.

Merry Christmas M.

XOXO